How DO I Explain

I am not one to write, especially a blog. I have trouble seeing the point. But when I read others I see it clearly. So clearly. "Why can't I do that?" I asked myself this, this afternoon. I began. So here I am. The only trouble is I am a terrible writer so I will do the best I can and see how it goes.

I am a sad little girl, who is terribly bored of being sad. I have had my fair share of misfortunes in this life but, c'mon, who hasn't. I will self diagnose and say I live and long for the past to an unhealthy degree. Which obviously is something I need to work on, but while I'm here I might as well linger a little and tell you (whoever you are) something about it.

My brother died when I was 17 years old. The day after is 24th birthday. He died of a cancer that apparantly "you don't die from". He was the best guy in the world (isn't everyones brother?). He smiled, he loved, he was everyone's friend, he brought people together and created gutwrenching laughter . He was such a trooper and non complainer that even when he felt his body shutting down he never told anyone. Never wanted to bother anyone, which resulted in a late diagnosis, and the rest is history.

His fight was fought with such strength that after almost 11 years it still brings tears to my eyes to think of. I wonder what he would be now. Where he would be now. Would he be a husband? Would he not? Would he be a father? A great father? Yes. Where would he be working? Would we still get along? Would I be able to rely on him? Would he sound the same? Would he remember my birthday?

The trouble is, I have been unable to let go of the sadness that surrounds this particular story, let alone all the others. I dwell on the loss, the longing, the tragedy, and not on the fact that I had this man, this kid, in my life to begin with. I am a lucky girl to have been a part of his life and to witness his fight.

I have dreams of him all the time. He is usually sick in them, but he still manages to bring his wonderful sparkle into my nights and I thank him for taking the time to visit me.

It seems that since this day on August 28th, 1999. I haven't been able to take a full breath.

Fast forward 10 years and three months, and my breath gets weaker. A loss so big. Jay's best friend and I'll say it, the love of my life (whether together or apart) leaves the world behind as well.

So hard to breath, so hard to think, so hard to smile.

What do I do now?